"I like you and I hate that about you."

I think I am slipping again and it scares me.

Nothing makes me happy. I get home from work and go to sleep, I hate winter and being away from the people I care about. I feel isolated and listless. Tomorrow is my one day off work and I don't forsee myself getting out of bed. I need Vitamin D. I've had one good day in the last two weeks.

Tomorrow

I have to teach someone how to prep deli meats/cheese/vegetables using a meat slicer from 7-11am. It's a girl that wants to be a boy and she applied as one name but wants to be called something else and I totally respect whatever she feels like, but when it's 7:28 am and I'm elbow deep in a bucket of pickles I can guarantee I am going to forget and call her/him HIM HIM HIM the wrong name. 

I am afraid of my own mouth. Tomorrow can't be over soon enough. 

And then I'm off on Friday.

I haven't been feeling like myself at all this week.

I'm over boys fronting.

Long story short I was like "Hey miss you!" to this kid that commented on my facebook and his response was "Yeah lets chill, only seen you twice in person lol" or something like that.

Well lets see. The first time I met you we talked for hours at this party and you ended up spending the night on the floor of my bedroom (I would have let you in the bed but I was blackout and I had a boyfriend and it just didn't seem right). There's the time I met you at a rave and danced with you for like an hour. There was another time on the roof of a club where we made out and you asked if I wanted to date. There was a party where we drank wine together and ignored everyone else. There was a party over the summer where we talked about hamsters outside in the garden. There was that time I was at a club and ran into you on the way to the bathroom totally randomly. OH, same club, different night when I was COMPLETELY blackout but you were chilling upstairs and I was scream talking to you everytime I took a break from dancing, I specifically remember because I was texting P. the whole time. And at least two parties where we were beer pong parters. OH AND THE TIME WE ACTUALLY WENT OUT ON A DATE TOGETHER. Omg and we saw Harry Potter together too.

So I don't know if you have a really bad memory, you are hiding from an overprotective girlfriend the fact that you had a life before her, or if you are fronting to be a cool kid because you are bitter over the fact that I rejected you (it's not you, it's me for real/fucking hate relationships).

But let's not kid ourselves.

We know each other.

Postscripts: I didn't realize I have been to the club that much, damn. I don't really do that anymore because it grosses me out a lot. This is about facebook and totally irrelevant to anything but that comment was bothering me a lot.

Bad day.

I miss my best friend like a limb. I spent the morning taking pictures and I only want to do that when I'm discontent. 

I have this horrible patch of dry skin on my index finger. I pick at it all the time and it's disgusting but there's no one here to tell me not to and so my test shots end up looking like this and I realize how stupid it looks that I'm constantly biting my finger and not even realizing it, this is so weird.

I'm really lonely, and I haven't felt this way in a while. I don't trust the feelings that I think are starting to take shape because I am alone and my mind fabricates, embellishes, nothing is ever really that good. All this happened, more or less, but my mind is telling me more and more and more and everything works out perfectly in my head but in real life I think I'm still empty and distrusting.

Carolina is back this week/hit me up and I'm probably going to make that mistake again when the opportunity presents itself. I stopped thinking about him since the last disastrous night but I'm so fucking lonely and I've always had feelings for him. At least I can pretend, while he disrespects me. 

I have standards, and he has humiliated me and betrayed me more than I've allowed any other fucking idiot, but god damn I have feelings for him. They will never amount to anything, and I wouldn't even want it to go anywhere because he's a tool, but he's my elusive Mr. Big and I can't say no. I am dying for someone to talk to and he is the only thing that gives me fucking butterflies, the only thing I'm not used to.

In other news, Josh is still insane, keeps going to clubs with his bro friends and live blogging via facebook to try to make me jealous/texting my friends. Sweet Ricky Martin lyrics, you're still going to die a virgin you fucking idiot. 

GOD I don't want to go back to school. I feel like it's the end of a marathon and I'm not going to make it.

I got my associates degree diploma from AACC, magna cum laude bitchesssss. Funny how all that work comes down to a piece of paper in the mail with your name embossed on it.